Hello, I am using an alt to post this. I'm so ashamed.
A few weeks ago I went to a BLM Mustang sale. I had been thinking about getting a mustang to add to my herd. Admittedly I didn't go thinking I was going to buy something, I was just checking out how it was done for next year. I met a friend there and we looked at the horses and I decided I would come back and buy one. I had two in mind, but it is first come first serve. I bought a 3yo. Then, as the night went on and I waited and waited for my turn to load up my 3yo and I kept looking at the mare that was a second choice. No one bought her. They were all sales authority or eligible for the incentive. And then I added her at the last minute under the incentive program.
The mare was the quietest one of the sale. She did not run or chase the other horses in her pen. She was curious and drank water next to a group of people standing beside her pen. When put through the chute to be haltered and then loaded she did not flail like many of the horses before her. She calmly accepted the halter. The 3yo was a little more skittish but nothing like many of the horses that were rearing or racing about. On my way home I was optimistic and excited.
Now I know mustangs, especially older ones, can be more difficult than the average unstarted horse. That being said, I have helped start three untouched yearlings and many weanlings that had little handling. I felt this was enough experience. I have started at least five horses under saddle. I know a little bit about horse training and I have family that is also experienced.
But nothing has prepared me for this mare. She is still untouchable. I've tried a few different methods, all based on reward/release for calmness. Winter is hitting and she has made little to no progress since day one. In fact, she may have regressed. I think that she shut down when really stressed which is why she appeared calm and I think she was really tired from traveling. I've sat beside her many times for 20 minutes only to have her whirl and sort when I move slightly. I spend time every day cleaning the pen with them. The list goes on. I've been trying is what I am saying. I've been reading and watching her and trying so hard. She has on a rope halter (I would use a flat halter knowing more now) that is starting to rub her. I would love to get it off. That has been my goal since the first week.
The 3yo is doing wonderfully. Although much of my time is spent with the mare, the 3yo is leading, haltering, picks up all four feet, and I can touch her everywhere. She was not incredibly easy, she started out very concerned. But she is tolerant and food motivated. While reactive, she is still curious. When something is done repetitively she learns what is going on.
Having had really bad anxiety and depression in the past, I am happy to say that I have been doing really well this past year. But this has really really really harmed my mental well being. I feel incredibly guilty for getting this mare. I would love to go back and kick myself in the face to keep me from buying her. I feel so much hatred towards myself for doing something so stupid. I also feel completely trapped. Due to regulations I can not sell her for a year. How will she ever become a useful horse if she misses another year of training? I've started having panic attacks again and self harming, something that I have been free from for over a year.
I feel terrible. I want her to die due to something I couldn't have foreseen. I want to take her back to the BLM so so so badly. This mare is outside of my ability and financial means. But the holding facility is 10hrs away and I have friends/acquaintances who may never forgive me if I do that. I feel so alone and trapped, the horse world is so judgmental and remembers every mistake.
Signed,
A very sad, very ashamed, horse owner.
