My interest keeps fluctuating and I don't know what to do.
I posted awhile back about selling my horses, and I did end up retiring my mare with a family member. I hate to say it and I know it sounds awful, but I am relieved to not have her anymore. I decided to put my gelding through 30 days of training to see where things went, and I'm not sure yet what I will do, but I think I just wasted my money and I'm not sure I want to give him another chance and try to get on him again. I got hurt off of this horse 10 years ago, and I've had a horrible time with my confidence ever since, am 10x worse of a rider now due to taking so much time off of lessons and serious riding, and I don't know if I'll ever trust my horse again. He has been vet checked and everything, just has a horrible attitude and is a confidence destroyer. He's never been consistently ridden and with him being 18, I'm sure it's too late to begin now, especially since I am a pretty bad rider with no confidence, and I can only see myself getting hurt or getting my confidence destroyed again. I have a hard enough time with my confidence on a schoolmaster. Literally the only thing keeping me from getting rid of this horse is the fact that a very loved deceased family member gave him to me, but I don't have the time, resources, or motivation anymore to make anything of him, and it would be a terrible financial decision to keep him as a pet, not to mention that I am unable to visit him more than twice a week at the most, and frankly, I don't really know what to do with a horse if you can't ride it. I've never been one to hang out or play with a horse in the pasture (not that all I do is ride, I will pet them for a few minutes and feed treats, but horses are too expensive for me to keep one just to do that with twice a week), and my groundwork skills are abysmal.
For some background: Honestly, I was one of the spoiled kids people talk about whose parents got me a horse when I never should've had one (they have owned horses all of their lives as well, so I was born into it and never had to ask for a horse) and never let me do anything for myself, they felt it was "unsafe" and did everything for me, so after 20+ years of being around horses, I can barely lunge a schoolmaster (I seriously took one lunge lesson this year; I have no clue what to do if a horse bolts or bucks on the line, or does anything even slightly wrong), can barely load and unload a horse who is a saint about it, am an extreme beginner/novice rider, and have no idea how to teach ground manners or correct bad behavior. Another huge thing setting me back is that the closest quality barn is over an hour away, hence why I barely have time to ride.
Anyway, I've noticed that my interest keeps fluctuating, and I really wish I could just decide whether or not I really want to continue with horses. I have a busy job and don't have time to be working with horses very much. I have about 2 days per week max I can do it. My barn is also over an hour away. I've gotten to the point to where I will mentally find any excuse to not see my horse, absolutely dread going to see him, and feel nothing but stress about it. My lessons are better, but my stomach still ties in knots when I'm close to the barn, but I do enjoy the lessons. However, I can't get rid of the fear that makes me never want to ride again. I'm terrified of getting hurt again and possibly becoming permanently disabled (this is a huge fear of mine; falling just right and breaking my neck, breaking my leg, breaking my spine, falling into a jump, having a horse flip or fall on me, etc.). I used to love jumping, but now tiny cross rails scare me. I'm not sure that even if I got a horse I could ride and trust, if I could be motivated enough to actually go ride.
I've never been the type to jump at just any opportunity to spend time with a horse, or even ride. Maybe it's because I've never known a life without them, but I've noticed that most people who like horses feel a lot more strongly about them than I do, and feel like any moment on a horse's back or playing with them in a field is pure Heaven, whereas most of the time I am just "meh" or anxious to get off/leave, with the exception of lessons, where I feel good, but not overflowing with joy or anything like that. Some days I just want to be done with horses and move on, and others I feel happy that I get to ride. I'm not sure I want to own anymore and have been considering a half-lease, but I also am very content with the idea of just taking lessons. At the rate I'm progressing at only riding once a week however, I'll probably never be a decent rider. I wonder if I only stick with horses because it's what I've always done and I'd feel useless without that hobby, since I don't really enjoy anything else. Some days I truly enjoy it, others I really want to quit. It seems like when I'm at the barn, I'm happy about it, but when I'm away, I don't even really want to think about horses.
I really don't know what to do. I'm not rich and I can't afford to just throw money away at a hobby I feel indifferent about half of the time. Yet, I don't want to feel useless with no hobbies or give up the part I still like. With my job and location, it makes things ten times harder and almost not worth it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and I'm sorry for how long this is.
TL;DR - I do and don't enjoy horses anymore, my confidence sucks, I have a horse I don't trust, and a lot of difficult decisions to make. I have a hard time getting motivated to go to the barn, but enjoy myself once I am there, with the exception of seeing my own horse.
Submitted December 26, 2018 at 03:35PM by horsethrowawaysad
via reddit https://www.reddit.com/r/Horses/comments/a9t489/my_interest_keeps_fluctuating_and_i_dont_know/?utm_source=ifttt
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