I started riding at a hunter jumper barn in 2011 when I was 13 years old. I rode there for 2 years. I was the only girl there without a horse, I just took lessons and most of the kids and people there were upper class and a bit snobby. I felt I didn't fit in and ended up leaving because of it as well as the pressure to participate in shows and buy a horse. I grew up with a single mother and she did what she could but she could never afford a horse.
Shortly after that I found a barn where I could muck stalls in exchange for riding time. I did that for a few months on weekends before I got worn out. Doing 20 stalls and expecting to ride right after doesn't always work out. The barn owner made a new deal with me where I could groom/turn out horses instead of mucking stalls, which I was much more excited for.
But it more or less turned me into her slave. Clipping, blanketing, turn outs, braiding names and tails, brushing, feeding lunch supplements. Before I knew it I was feeling worn out from that as well and depressed because I wasn't meeting my riding expectations for myself.
At this point I had become good friends with the barn owner and she assigned me a specific horse whom I could ride whenever I liked. That was 2015. I spent a good 2 years riding Glory, a sweetheart Arabian mare who was wise to the trails and helped me build a lot of confidence. Around this same time I had begun to do some light riding on another mare, Diva, who had chronic bouts of lameness, whose reasons are still not identified. The vet had discerned that she did much better with light riding, and sitting was not a good option for her.
In 2017 I moved away from home with my boyfriend, Glory passed away while I was gone. Broke things off with boyfriend and moved back, I've been riding Diva since. It's not very consistent, about 1-2 times a week. I love Diva with all my heart but I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to canter her as her riding instructions are "light riding". To make matters worse the barn owner is strictly a trail rider and most of her horses have never cantered under saddle.
I'm starting to feel resentful of my friend and teacher (barn owner). I work full time and go to school and she still expects me to come down to the barn consistently, she's upset when I don't. I know Diva is not my horse, so I should feel grateful to ride her without having to pay her board or feed, but I feel disappointed. Maybe all of these bad feelings could be solved by buying my own finished horse. But it's not exactly an option right now.
I guess the jist of it is I feel upset that I haven't met my own goals with horses. And I have also started to dread going to the barn because of all the tasks I will be asked to perform, I feel like I owe it to the barn owner to complete them seeing as Diva is not my horse. This has made me start to associate horses with anxiety and negative feelings. What can I do?
